Motherless Daughters

So here it is: another sleepless 2am.
I'm not even going to pretend like I'm tired. I tried that, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
And since I'm not sleeping, I decided to update this instead.

It's been a relatively... good week. I hate to even say that, but things have been rather productive.
I applied for 7 jobs. I went to the gym. I made some serious headway in finding a new roommate.

And then I found this article.
And cried for about an hour. Hm, come to think of it, maybe that's why I can't sleep now...

Anyways, I found the article through another link that was about being Motherless on Mother's Day (more on how much I'm dreading THAT later). I thought I would read it just to start to prepare myself for what is sure to be a terrible day. But then as I was scrolling down, I saw another previous entry that was "Read This When You Miss Your Mom".

She blogger also happened to publish it the week my passed away.

And damned if it wasn't spot on.

"You'll miss her when something great happens and she is the first person you want to call but you know if you tried, it wouldn't be her voice on the other end."
Uh yeah.

"You'll miss her when you're all alone in bed crying yourself to sleep because the thought of her being gone still comes as a shock to you."
Yep, that would be tonight.

Basically just going through all of the things, and me just reading them going "yep. yep. yep" through a stream of tears.

And then just when I thought I couldn't read any more...
The reason that I'll keep going back this article.
The reason that I'm posting it here again now.
The reason to keep me going, even though sometimes I can't breathe and can't get out of bed, and can't fathom how all life hasn't stopped around me.

"...when you miss your mom remember how much she loved you, remember that she never wanted to leave you and there is nothing in this world that she wouldn't have done to be able to you live out your life. When you miss your mom, go that extra step to make her proud, live the life she wanted you to live, be the person she wanted you to be."

THAT my friends, THAT is how I will keep going.
To live the life she wanted me to live.
To be the person she wanted me to be.

She spent a lot of her final months telling me how proud she was of me. And of course those are the things that you can shyly just shrug off and be like "gee mom, thanks I guess"... if you can ever even come up with a *real* response.
But now I have the comfort of knowing that she WAS proud of me. And I KNOW she was proud of me.
And there's nothing that can take that away.
In fact, it's all I really have to hold on to right now.

The New Normal

Well. Here we are.

What had started out as a way for me to detail my mom's cancer journey and my fears about that, will now be focusing on my grief after her death.

But let me back track just a little...
So I did quit that job. And it was a good thing that I did because in January, they ended up cleaning house and everyone got fired.
I went back to NC to be with my mom at the end of August/beginning of September. The last couple of weeks in NY after I quit my job, but before I went back to NC is kind of a blur. I spent time with my friends. I stayed out too late. I got a tattoo. I did all kinds of things around the city I never did during the week before, because I always had a job.

And then I got back to NC to be with my mom... and forgot all about this space. And writing in it. I spent most of my days hanging out with her, making her meals, cleaning her house, taking her to every chemo and doctor's appointment imaginable.
It was terrible. It was wonderful.
I didn't once regret being there. Well... maybe when my rent checks cleared every month with no money coming in. And I did end up having a online fundraising thing that helped out a lot too.

My mom slowly deteriorated. She stopped eating as much - it was too painful. The pain medication stopped working, and upping it only made her sleepy and she couldn't get out of bed.
She slowly deteriorated, until she quickly deteriorated.

Her doctor gave us the news that she had a blockage in a bile duct to her liver caused by inflamed lymph nodes from the cancer. She got jaundiced in a matter of hours. Her abdomen got swollen with fluid. Her doctors sat us down and said there was nothing to be done; that treatment options were over. They could put in a catheter to ease the fluid in her abdomen, but then hospice would be called.

My mom went into hospice on Tuesday March 14th. She lost her battle with cancer 6 days later on Monday March 20th.
We had maybe 2 good days with her once hospice was called. "Good days" meaning she knew where she was, who she was, and who everyone else was. The rest of her stay in hospice was us trying to keep her sedated so she didn't have any symptoms of her "terminal agitation" (seriously, couldn't they come up with a better word than that!?). Drugs being administered to her every 3 hours around the clock. No food. No water. Having to put a diaper on her was probably the worst thing that I've ever had to do.

It was a blessing that it wasn't dragged out any longer than that. I don't think we could have taken it. And she wouldn't have wanted us see her like that. My brother and I were there when she died, holding her hands and telling her we loved her and she didn't need to worry about us anymore.
I would imagine watching someone take their last breath is just a powerful as watching someone take their first. It was only fitting that my mom saw my brother and I take our first breaths, and we were there to watch her take her last.

I took a few weeks after she died to go back to NY. I didn't necessarily feel ready to go, but I was also just sitting around in her house with constant reminders of her, but nothing to do. It was painful to be in her house without her.

What I didn't realize was how painful it would be to come back to NY without her too.

The night before I left to NC, my friend L came over to "help me pack" (ie, drink all of the wine), and it was through tears around midnight that I was confessed that my biggest fear was coming back to NY with no job and no mom.

I am now having to face my biggest fear.

Somedays I'm okay - I can get out of bed, go to the gym, shower, apply for jobs, work on my portfolio, etc.
Somedays I stay in bed all day until the sun goes back down. Sometimes it's just too hard to get out of bed.
I feel like if I had a job, I would be forced to get up and get out and be a member of society. Which in some ways would be good, and some ways I think it would make it easier for me to bury my feelings and not feel anything.

But it's just like I have an overwhelming weight on the chest all the time. I don't cry all the time. I don't even cry everyday. But at the strangest, weirdest times it just hits me that I can't call my mom and see what she's doing.
Or to talk to her about looking for a job, and how I'm worried I won't find one. How I'm worried about money, and she's not there to tell me "it will be okay".

I have to tell myself it will be okay... and I'm not sure that it is okay.
Or I ever will be "okay". What will "okay" look like?

But what then?

I feel like I'm losing everything.

In the past year, I've lost my job. My career. My ambition. My drive. My desire to pursue my dreams. My "best" friend (of course I have gained and strengthened so many others at the same time).
In the last 6 months, I've lost my feeling of security. My love of my career. My optimism.

And just thinking about going to be with my mom for an extended period of time brings me peace... and makes me feel like I'm losing myself. Like I'm giving up my life. My friends. My dreams. My possibilities. My apartment.
And all just to lose my mom in the end.

*side note: when originally typing the above thought, "lose" was originally typed "love". I can't make that up.

I need to be with her so desperately. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm miserable all day until I talk to her.
But at the same time, I'm terrified to give up this life I have carved for myself. What happens when I quit my job? What about money and making a living? What about my apartment? What about my insurance?

Even though my current job causes me so much more stress than I've ever had in a job -- just the thought of giving it up for nothing else, is terrifying. It's not something I've ever considered even on the radar of being able to do before. But now it just seems like every wasted miserable second that I spend in that office, I could be spending with my mom. Enjoying her time, talking with her, and being together.

But what then?

When it's all over -- 3 months from now, 6 months from now, 12 months from now -- what then?
Do I pick myself up and come back to NY? How? With what job? Can I? Will I even be able to go on?
Honestly, right now, I can't imagine anything past December. Or what I'm going to do after that. Hell, I can barely even think about December.
I can't imagine packing up my mom's things, dividing them among myself and my brother, putting the best parts back in a suitcase and come back to NY with no job, no prospects, nothing but the couches of my friends, and hopefully some money in the bank to send out some resumes.

I keep telling myself to just "trust and let go".

But much easier said than done for this Capricorn.

I thought that making the decision to go back and be with my mom would make my heart lighter, easier, make me sleep better. That only lasted a few days before the "what ifs" sprang into action.
What if she goes sooner than I thought and we don't have the time together that I wanted?
What is she stays healthy and strong, beating the odds, but I'm too scared to leave her again, go back to my own life and all of a sudden I'm in my late thirties -- partnerless, childless, jobless?

I feel so guilty even putting any of this out in the universe. This was not the path that I thought I was going to take. This was not the path that I thought my family was going to take.
And now that I'm faced with it, I'm not sure what IS the right path.

All I know is I feel lost on any of the paths, and that I've lost it all.
And may not be able to bring any of it back to the way it was.

New Day, New Week, New Month

Things have really been a whirlwind recently. And I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's just getting harder and harder.

My mom is feeling pretty good -- her chemo is working, and she's gotten to the point where she goes every other week, so she at least gets a week off to enjoy her time and not be laid up in bed or in the hospital.

2 weeks ago - I caught a pretty nasty cold. One of those summer colds that comes and attacks for no real reason at all, but totally kicks your ass. I tried to work my way through it; kept my schedules with friends, pushed myself at work, stayed up too late and just generally wasn't listening to my body when it kept telling me to slow down.
Until... I couldn't ignore it anymore. I took at half day at work, and then came back home and slept for the rest of the day. I kept it low key the rest of the week, and was quickly on the mend.

The thing was, while I was laying in bed - sinuses full and head pounding -- my mom felt great. She weeded her garden. She relaxed outside. She went to to the grocery store. And was just generally in really high spirits. And the only reason I was sick was because I had let my stress get the best of me. And while there wasn't much I can do about the stress of my mom being sick, there was all this unnecessary stress of my job. A job that I didn't necessarily like, that I didn't think was going to further my career, that I was literally only in for the paycheck (and the paycheck that was significantly less than what I was making in the job that I actually DID love).

And I started thinking, "What the hell am I doing? I'm destroying my body being stressed out by something that is 1000% within my control. That I didn't have to put up with I didn't want. That SHOULDN'T be harmful to my health." Didn't I deserve more than that?
Of course I did.

And it was that moment that I knew I needed to change something. That I need to do what was best for me: mentally and physically.
And that was going to have to be taking care of myself mentally and spending all of the time that I could with my mom, because that was what was going to make me the happiest at this point. And be something that I won't look back and regret.

So after much internal discussion (as well as entire night last night of not sleeping because it was all I could think of), I finally took the steps to make this plan a reality.
First step: take care of all of my insurance stuff that I needed to, if I was going to be leaving this job and lose my insurance.
Second step: reach out to a friend in NC that is in the fashion industry, and start a discussion about freelance or part time work -- so I (and my mom) at least feel like I'm not at a complete standstill, career-wise.
Third step: Tell my mom my plan. This of course was harder than the rest of the steps.

At first, she was confused, and didn't really understand what I was saying. To be fair, I've made a HUGE effort to NOT tell her how much I hated work. So to unload everything all at once, was kind of a shock to her, I think. Maybe not a total shock, but once I really spelled it out, she agreed that I needed a break to reassess everything, and find out what I need to do next.

And what really solidified my decision: when she said the one the thing she regrets was not spending time with her mom when she was dying, and not being there to hold her hand as hard as it would have been. She didn't think she could leave her job because she was so close to retirement so she stuck it out, chose her job (that she didn't particularly like either), and gave up the time she had with her mom. Turns out, a month after her mom passed away, my mom lost her job anyways -- so it was all for nothing.

I definitely don't want to look back at this experience, at this time, and regret staying at this job that makes me miserable when I could have been sitting on my mom's porch with her, enjoying the time she has left.

So while this isn't finalized, or even set into motion, there was a little sense of just acknowledging that what I have isn't good for me, and I need to take better care of myself and do what is right for me, right now.

And the rest of it -- my apartment, my stuff in my apartment, a car once I get to NC, insurance -- it will all work itself out. And I can't keep that stuff from getting in the way of my happiness and getting all of the time I want with my mom.

New York will always be here.
My mom won't.
And right now, I just need to take this new week, new month -- and put a change into action.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I haven't intentionally taken some time away here.
Suddenly it's the middle of July, and I'm trying to take stake of how things this year are blowing by. It's been so quick, but so slow at the same time.

I wish I could say that I've been able to adjust to everything at work so far, but it would be 100% a lie. It's just not getting easier, and I don't know if it's because I have so much else on my mind that I'm not letting myself wrap my brain around projects or what. As soon as I feel like I have my feet solidly in a place that I know what's happening... it all crashes down.
It's all very unsettling because I've always been able to multi-task and get stuff done on time. Always. It was really what I prided myself on, and how I've built my career thus far. But now... I just can't seem to get a handle on how to operate at this company. It's totally disorganized. No one is in charge, except for when it's beneficial to them. I have very little support.

Today I came very close to throwing in the towel. I had just read a post my mom wrote on Facebook, where she references her "not having much time" and her "time being short", and I just couldn't function. I just kept thinking about how she has such little time, and she's sitting at home ALONE, while I'm up to my eyeballs in unsupportive and stressful work. It was hard to continue for the rest of the day and focus. I just didn't know what I was doing there, if I was doing the right thing by being in New York still, and not being with my mom. I've always told myself that I would know when I have to leave and be with her... but it's becoming less clear, and I'm starting to doubt if I'm doing the right thing. I've always been able to trust my gut, and it rarely fails me, but this is a whole other ball game that I'm not sure how to play.

I tried to hold it together, and I think I did. I did skip the gym, but it was mostly because I just needed to talk to my mom and hear her voice. And didn't want to have to wait another hour.

I've been especially bad at taking care of myself recently. I've just been going, going, going. And not wanting to be by myself -- so I've overbooked my nights. Dinners, drinks, movies -- you name it, I've done it the past few weeks. Even the days that I come back from my seeing my mom, I hop right on the train and head straight to the bar to meet my friends. So this weekend, I made no plans. I took back my time and did nothing -- but get sick. I had run myself so ragged that once I stopped, I STOPPED.

So now, I'm battling a cold, battling my job, battling my inner voice that says 'no more'.
I can only try to keep going tomorrow. And then the day after that. And after that. And then this weekend we are going to Lewes, which will hopefully be the R&R that I really really need.
And in the meantime, I'll have some tea and a few good cries, and hope that it works out better than I'm anticipating.

Just take a little off the top...

I'd say for the past 3 or 4 years (since I've turned 30), I've been overly self-conscious about my hair. Especially for the fact that I always think it's receding.
Call me crazy, but I've spent many an hour, leaning into a mirror closely examining the area where my bangs stop and my hair starts on both sides of my face. I was/am convinced that all that "baby hair" on the side is a new occurrence and is only a warning of the extra sunscreen that I will need to slather on in the future.
I'm pretty sure I will never complain or worry about that again after the last weekend I spent with my mom.

I went back to NC for a longish Mother's Day weekend -- I still don't have vacation or sick days from my new job, which makes traveling a little dicey, but eh whatever. I got in on Saturday morning, with my friend Shruthi picking me up from the airport. After a leisurely catch up lunch over Bojangles' biscuits, we made the hour long drive out to my mom's lake house.

"Just to warn you, my mom started losing her hair. I'm not sure how bad it is, but she was really freaking out on Tuesday night when she texted me" I warned Shruthi.
And warned myself too. I HAD freaked out when she texted me late on Tuesday, when I was watching the hockey game at my favorite bar.
"Don't worry!" I texted back, "I'll come up with a plan B!" I confidently assured her, although at the time I didn't really have any kind of idea of what I was going to do.

The next day, I had come up with a plan B, but wasn't 100% sure how it would go over. After work I went scouring midtown Manhattan for some crazy "church lady" hats. The day I was getting her to house was the Kentucky Derby, afterall, so what better way to cover up a traumatic sudden hair loss than with a funny hat? Once I was pretty confident about that plan, I thought "What the hell? If we're going to do that - let's go the extra step" and I made a quick stop at Party City to pick up some costume wigs as well. One was rainbow tinsel, and the other was a long, black light responsive green and pink wig. I honestly wasn't sure what he reaction was going to be, but thought it was worth the risk to make her laugh.

So when we pulled up to my mom's house - hats and wigs stashed in my duffle bag - I wasn't really prepared to see my mom with thinning hair. It wasn't completely gone, no. But it was so thin at the top, that is basically just scalp, with longer parts on the side and the back. I quickly shook it off, so she didn't see how shocking it was to me - why make it any worse for her to know it was shocking for me too?

We quickly caught up, and settled in, and once Shruthi left, I figured it was as good as ever to make the big reveal. My step-dad was out for the day, out of town for his own daughter's college graduation, so it was just the 2 of us.

"Well mom, as promised, I brought plan B with me!"
"Oh ok..." she tentatively replied.
I reach into my bag and grab just the hats. "Well since it's the Derby today, I brought some crazy hats for us to wear. Also, you could probably wear these later - they have SPF 50 in them so you can wear them out by the lake!" I tried to encourage. She got excited, and so while her excitement was peaked, I decided to try the 2nd part of plan B.

"...Well here's the REAL plan B. I figured since you didn't have a wig yet, this could hold you over until you got one. At least one of these, and you can switch them up if you want to!" and I grabbed both wigs out of my bag. She paused for a half-second, which was just enough time for me to question whether I did the right thing or not. But then she laughed and then cried - a good, happy cry - and then we put the wigs on (and trimmed them up a little since the tinsel one didn't have a front or back and there was way to see through it when you had it on).

What had become a shock to both her and I, because a party and a comfort and a fun time for both of us. I insisted that she keep the wig on until my brother and his girlfriend got there. I didn't think my brother knew my mom was losing her hair - and my intuition was right; she hadn't told him. So I didn't want him to show up, not knowing her only had half of her hair, and she would read his reaction on his face. So she kept the wig on, and as soon as they walked in, I brought him into the kitchen and told him WHY we were wearing crazy hats. He quickly took it in, and was good about it. We spent the day laughing, talking and watching the Derby. It was genuinely a great day, and (I think) really took her mind off all of the harsh realities she was dealing with.

The next day, Mother's Day, was a bit different. She was in a terrible mood that morning. She had even less hair, and my step-dad was being less than supportive. To his credit, he's been taking this whole thing worse than anyone, and says a lot of inappropriate things but I'm not sure he realizes how hurtful some of his comments are to my mom.

So she was in a pretty shitty mood.
"Ugh my hair just keeps getting worse, and we're going to have people over today, and we're going to have to take pictures and I look so sick and scary."
"Don't worry mom. If you want, I can cut your hair so it's shorter and less scary" I offered, having never cut more than 1/2" off my bangs ever.

So I grabbed some scissors, took her out to the back porch (thank god it was a beautiful day!), and with only a little apprehension, I lopped off the remaining longer pieces of my mom's hair, letting it fall to the desk and be swept away by the wind and away from her worrying eyes.

And truth be told, it wasn't the best hair that anyone's ever gotten, but it was good enough. And it did make the little bit of hair she had left look fuller. Most importantly, it was off the back of her neck, so she didn't have to worry about it or think about it. She went to check it out, liked it, and then we went into her office and bought a wig online.

We looked at a few kinds, narrowed it down depending on length, cut and color until we finally found a short pixie-ish cut that was close to her original color. And just having that solution, even if it wasn't physically there yet, was a huge weight off her back.

And every time I complain about a bad hair day, or my hair looking "crazy" - I think about that moment and what my mom's journey is about now, and quickly erase those thoughts. At least I can have a bad hair day. At least my hair can be crazy.

I also learned that I will literally do anything to make sure that this journey my mom is on goes as smoothly as possible, and the importance to add in some laughs when at all possible.

It's gonna be May

May 1st.
This has been an adventuresome day for me the past few years.
Last year, my best friends and I were in St. Barth's for the second year in a row, exploring the restaurants and land that we didn't get to see when we went over the 4th of July the year before.
The year before that, me and a good friend went to a non-eventful baseball game which became a very eventful night where we ended up consummating 7 years of friendship after many rounds of whiskey. That last part may have been TMI, but it was a pretty big deal -- and well, kind of continues to be, so no apologies on that one.

This year May 1st is falling around another mercury in retrograde, so not really sure what that will mean for today. Or the coming week for that matter.
I spent most of my day getting ready for the week and hanging around my apartment -- something that I haven't actually been able to do in the last 3 weeks.

I went to the grocery store, prepared my lunches for the week, cleaned and tidied my apartment. Just general life stuff to get everything in order, in case I end up going back to NC full-time sooner than expected.

My mom starts her 3rd chemo appointment tomorrow, and to say that I'm anxious about it, would be an understatement. After her 1st appointment, she had an allergic reaction that resulted in a rash, fever, and just general yuckiness. They ended up switching her meds in hopes that a new chemo would not produce the same side effects -- but no luck. The same rash, fever, and general grossness after her 2nd treatment made her depressed and upset. Depending on what the doctor decides tomorrow, they might not give her anything tomorrow.

Her whole "prognosis" that they gave her -- 6 months -- depended on how well she handled the chemo and how the tumors were affected by the chemo. My big fear is if she can't handle the chemo -- and they determine she can't handle another meds change -- that she will have less than 6 months. That we will have less than 6 months.

And while we keep finding out more information as this progresses, it's still a "wait and see game" which is driving me crazy. It must be driving her crazy too; I can't even imagine. I can say right now that I would rather know 100% how long she has. As bad as it will be to find out and accept it, it would be nice to be able to make plans. Mostly so SHE is able to make plans. I know there is stuff she wants to do and see on her bucket list, but I feel like if she is so sick from the chemo and doesn't have an actual time frame yet, then it's hard for her to wrap her mind around doing anything but laying in bed, and seeing everyone that is coming to visit her.

So hopefully after tomorrow's appointment, by the time I get there on Saturday for a long Mother's Day weekend, we will have some more answers or at least some more direction.

And in the meantime -- for the rest of this week -- I'm just going to keep myself busy.
And enjoy the first week of May.