You Will Be Okay

Well, I survived Mother's Day - though just barely.

And I didn't know that the week after would be so terrible as well.
I'm not sure why exactly, but it was like a Mother's Day hangover of emotion that just wouldn't lift -- and if we're being honest, a little bit of actual hangover from some self-medicating.

So as if it isn't already hard to get out of bed every day, it's becoming equally as hard to look for a job. I don't know when was the last time that you've looked for a job, but I hoping the answer is "not in the last 10 years" because it is REEEEALLY terrible. Like really terrible.

I've applied to so many jobs in the last 6 weeks (hard to believe that I have really only been back in NY for 6 weeks) that it's hard to keep them all straight. And while it's not super realistic to think that I would have landed and started a job by now... I secretly in the back of my head thought I would.

And maybe it was because since I had so "selflessly quit my job to be there for my mom" -- and so many people repeatedly telling me this and then being like "Oh, you'll go back and get something perfect" or "You can always get another job", that for some reason I thought there would be some divine intervention and I would get back to NY, and that job would have just been waiting for me the whole time and would just fall right into my lap with little to no work.

Hey, after everything I had been through in the last month, a girl could dream right?!

Well, of course, in reality that's not exactly how that works. It takes dozens of versions of resumes, multiple versions of portfolios, and countless bullshit cover letters to even get someone to respond to you. Even if it's just a rejection. You know it's bad when you are literally just waiting to get a rejection - at least you know that your resume is actually getting reviewed (or at the very least, it's getting through the filters of the job boards to get a rejection).

So where am I now? Well... I'm not in a super great place with my grief, to begin with. It comes and goes, but basically sits on my chest for most of the day, especially when I don't have anything else going on that day. Those days are the worst. If I don't force myself to go to the gym in the morning, there's a lot of days that I can't drag myself out of bed until mid-afternoon.

And it's those days -- those "lay in bed all day" days, when I'm not motivated to shower, to get dressed, much less send out resumes, and remind myself I haven't worked in almost a year that I REALLY need my mom.

Just to pick up the phone and call her and tell her how terrible it is looking for a job. And I'm frustrated, and scared, and what if I don't get a job? What if I need to get like 3 part-time jobs just to pay my bills? Where should I start looking for those part-time jobs? And I'll still be okay even if I'm 35 and working 3 part-time jobs, right?!

And then I remember I can't call her, I will NEVER be able to call her. She won't be able to say "Don't worry, things will work out" or "I know, looking for a job is terrible, but you'll get through it" or "You can always get a part-time job, it won't make you any less of an adult, and you never know, you might really like one of those jobs and it could lead to something else".

And then I get even more stressed out. And depressed. And less likely to be able to get out of bed, be productive, and WANT to do anything.

Ugh, it's such a vicious cycle, and to be honest, I don't know how to break it until I get a job. And even then I won't be able to call her and tell her about my new job, my new boss, my new coworkers, what we are working on.

So I just keep doing what I can at the moment -- and if things are too overwhelming and too much, then I just stop. And take a break. And sometimes that break is an hour. Sometimes a day. Sometimes 2 days.

I wish I could self-soothe through this. That I didn't feel like I need to call her, to talk to her. But she was always the person I called when I was upset. Or angry. Or worried.

And now, I don't feel like I have anyone to fill that void.
At least now right now.
So for the time being, I have to tell myself "You will be okay" -- and just hope that I believe myself.