All By Myself

The last few days I have felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
In fact, it's what woke me up at 4:45 this morning, and now 2 hours later, is what is keeping me awake.

I talked to my brother last night -- the first time we had spoken in about 2 weeks, and since Mother's Day. And while he filled me in on his job, and gave me encouragement on my job search (you have no idea how great it felt to hear "I believe in you" from him), he didn't bring up or talk about our mom at all. AT ALL. I almost wanted to bring her up and ask how he's doing, to confess that I'm not doing ok, that I think about it all the time and miss her so much. But then thought about how blasé he acted before Mother's Day, like he wasn't even going to do acknowledge her.

And maybe he did. And I should have asked. But I was so hurt before, I didn't want to be dragged down again. Especially in my current state.

I just feel like I'm the only one that is grieving my mom.

And I know -- I KNOW -- that is not true, but that is how it really feels. No one talks about her, no one asks me about her. And maybe it's because they are wary of bringing her up, like I'm going to get upset and cry and not want to talk about her. But it's really just the opposite. I feel like no one remembers her. And that's what is the hardest part.

And then there is the problem that I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. There is only so much I feel comfortable laying down in front of my friends these days... they have already done so much, I don't want to feel like a burden.

The only person that I want to tell all of this to is the guy that I stopped seeing (ok, we really did "break up" regardless of our actual relationship status) in August, right before I went back to take care of my mom. But he didn't want the same things I did, so I did what was best for me and my heart and broke it off with him after 2 1/2 years together, almost 10 years of friendship. I saw him when I got back, and he was great about listening to me talk about my mom's death... but then he still tried to come home with me, like things had changed. And when I told him he couldn't stay over, he left, and I've heard nothing from him since. So in addition to losing my mom, I feel like I've lost him too (even if I never really "had" him).

Then there's work. Honestly, I was way too devoted to my work. Maybe not my last job, but the one I had for 10 years was definitely a part of me, for better or for worse. So when that company closed, I felt like a part of me had died. As lame as it sounds, part of my identity had closed with the company. I was never really able to shake it. And then just when I thought, "Hey, maybe I can do this again" -- my mom got sick, and I just couldn't.

So now, looking for a job, is adding to the loneliness. There is nothing quite like not having a job when the rest of your friends have jobs. Obviously misery loves company, but I look around and see my friends all being so successful, their lives moving on and growing... and mine is standing still, and hasn't moved since August 2015, almost 2 years ago.

I don't have any work to complain about or to. I don't have anyone to share my fashion stories with, or what is happening in the industry, or to nerd out around. I read articles everyday about my industry... but have no one to share them with. Even in the last year, when I had no one else professionally to share them with, I could always share them with my mom. And I'm sure she didn't really care or understand, but that's the great thing about moms (I one of the things I desperately miss) -- they can fake it enough to make you think that they care. Or maybe they just love that their kid is so passionate about something, that it comes across as caring. Either way, I have no one to relate to on a job level either.

So, here I am.
Alone mentally, thinking of my mom and grieving her but feeling like no one else is doing so.
Alone physically, not having a boyfriend or a partner that I can be open with or touch for comfort (or just cry to).
Alone professionally, not having a job and not having a professional outlet to express what has always been such a huge part of myself.

I know it can't get better unless I tell someone, or ask for help.
But I just can't bring myself to have everyone else feel the way I feel.
Because it sucks.
And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.