Motherless Daughters

So here it is: another sleepless 2am.
I'm not even going to pretend like I'm tired. I tried that, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
And since I'm not sleeping, I decided to update this instead.

It's been a relatively... good week. I hate to even say that, but things have been rather productive.
I applied for 7 jobs. I went to the gym. I made some serious headway in finding a new roommate.

And then I found this article.
And cried for about an hour. Hm, come to think of it, maybe that's why I can't sleep now...

Anyways, I found the article through another link that was about being Motherless on Mother's Day (more on how much I'm dreading THAT later). I thought I would read it just to start to prepare myself for what is sure to be a terrible day. But then as I was scrolling down, I saw another previous entry that was "Read This When You Miss Your Mom".

She blogger also happened to publish it the week my passed away.

And damned if it wasn't spot on.

"You'll miss her when something great happens and she is the first person you want to call but you know if you tried, it wouldn't be her voice on the other end."
Uh yeah.

"You'll miss her when you're all alone in bed crying yourself to sleep because the thought of her being gone still comes as a shock to you."
Yep, that would be tonight.

Basically just going through all of the things, and me just reading them going "yep. yep. yep" through a stream of tears.

And then just when I thought I couldn't read any more...
The reason that I'll keep going back this article.
The reason that I'm posting it here again now.
The reason to keep me going, even though sometimes I can't breathe and can't get out of bed, and can't fathom how all life hasn't stopped around me.

"...when you miss your mom remember how much she loved you, remember that she never wanted to leave you and there is nothing in this world that she wouldn't have done to be able to you live out your life. When you miss your mom, go that extra step to make her proud, live the life she wanted you to live, be the person she wanted you to be."

THAT my friends, THAT is how I will keep going.
To live the life she wanted me to live.
To be the person she wanted me to be.

She spent a lot of her final months telling me how proud she was of me. And of course those are the things that you can shyly just shrug off and be like "gee mom, thanks I guess"... if you can ever even come up with a *real* response.
But now I have the comfort of knowing that she WAS proud of me. And I KNOW she was proud of me.
And there's nothing that can take that away.
In fact, it's all I really have to hold on to right now.