Things have really been a whirlwind recently. And I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's just getting harder and harder.
My mom is feeling pretty good -- her chemo is working, and she's gotten to the point where she goes every other week, so she at least gets a week off to enjoy her time and not be laid up in bed or in the hospital.
2 weeks ago - I caught a pretty nasty cold. One of those summer colds that comes and attacks for no real reason at all, but totally kicks your ass. I tried to work my way through it; kept my schedules with friends, pushed myself at work, stayed up too late and just generally wasn't listening to my body when it kept telling me to slow down.
Until... I couldn't ignore it anymore. I took at half day at work, and then came back home and slept for the rest of the day. I kept it low key the rest of the week, and was quickly on the mend.
The thing was, while I was laying in bed - sinuses full and head pounding -- my mom felt great. She weeded her garden. She relaxed outside. She went to to the grocery store. And was just generally in really high spirits. And the only reason I was sick was because I had let my stress get the best of me. And while there wasn't much I can do about the stress of my mom being sick, there was all this unnecessary stress of my job. A job that I didn't necessarily like, that I didn't think was going to further my career, that I was literally only in for the paycheck (and the paycheck that was significantly less than what I was making in the job that I actually DID love).
And I started thinking, "What the hell am I doing? I'm destroying my body being stressed out by something that is 1000% within my control. That I didn't have to put up with I didn't want. That SHOULDN'T be harmful to my health." Didn't I deserve more than that?
Of course I did.
And it was that moment that I knew I needed to change something. That I need to do what was best for me: mentally and physically.
And that was going to have to be taking care of myself mentally and spending all of the time that I could with my mom, because that was what was going to make me the happiest at this point. And be something that I won't look back and regret.
So after much internal discussion (as well as entire night last night of not sleeping because it was all I could think of), I finally took the steps to make this plan a reality.
First step: take care of all of my insurance stuff that I needed to, if I was going to be leaving this job and lose my insurance.
Second step: reach out to a friend in NC that is in the fashion industry, and start a discussion about freelance or part time work -- so I (and my mom) at least feel like I'm not at a complete standstill, career-wise.
Third step: Tell my mom my plan. This of course was harder than the rest of the steps.
At first, she was confused, and didn't really understand what I was saying. To be fair, I've made a HUGE effort to NOT tell her how much I hated work. So to unload everything all at once, was kind of a shock to her, I think. Maybe not a total shock, but once I really spelled it out, she agreed that I needed a break to reassess everything, and find out what I need to do next.
And what really solidified my decision: when she said the one the thing she regrets was not spending time with her mom when she was dying, and not being there to hold her hand as hard as it would have been. She didn't think she could leave her job because she was so close to retirement so she stuck it out, chose her job (that she didn't particularly like either), and gave up the time she had with her mom. Turns out, a month after her mom passed away, my mom lost her job anyways -- so it was all for nothing.
I definitely don't want to look back at this experience, at this time, and regret staying at this job that makes me miserable when I could have been sitting on my mom's porch with her, enjoying the time she has left.
So while this isn't finalized, or even set into motion, there was a little sense of just acknowledging that what I have isn't good for me, and I need to take better care of myself and do what is right for me, right now.
And the rest of it -- my apartment, my stuff in my apartment, a car once I get to NC, insurance -- it will all work itself out. And I can't keep that stuff from getting in the way of my happiness and getting all of the time I want with my mom.
New York will always be here.
My mom won't.
And right now, I just need to take this new week, new month -- and put a change into action.
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