But what then?

I feel like I'm losing everything.

In the past year, I've lost my job. My career. My ambition. My drive. My desire to pursue my dreams. My "best" friend (of course I have gained and strengthened so many others at the same time).
In the last 6 months, I've lost my feeling of security. My love of my career. My optimism.

And just thinking about going to be with my mom for an extended period of time brings me peace... and makes me feel like I'm losing myself. Like I'm giving up my life. My friends. My dreams. My possibilities. My apartment.
And all just to lose my mom in the end.

*side note: when originally typing the above thought, "lose" was originally typed "love". I can't make that up.

I need to be with her so desperately. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm miserable all day until I talk to her.
But at the same time, I'm terrified to give up this life I have carved for myself. What happens when I quit my job? What about money and making a living? What about my apartment? What about my insurance?

Even though my current job causes me so much more stress than I've ever had in a job -- just the thought of giving it up for nothing else, is terrifying. It's not something I've ever considered even on the radar of being able to do before. But now it just seems like every wasted miserable second that I spend in that office, I could be spending with my mom. Enjoying her time, talking with her, and being together.

But what then?

When it's all over -- 3 months from now, 6 months from now, 12 months from now -- what then?
Do I pick myself up and come back to NY? How? With what job? Can I? Will I even be able to go on?
Honestly, right now, I can't imagine anything past December. Or what I'm going to do after that. Hell, I can barely even think about December.
I can't imagine packing up my mom's things, dividing them among myself and my brother, putting the best parts back in a suitcase and come back to NY with no job, no prospects, nothing but the couches of my friends, and hopefully some money in the bank to send out some resumes.

I keep telling myself to just "trust and let go".

But much easier said than done for this Capricorn.

I thought that making the decision to go back and be with my mom would make my heart lighter, easier, make me sleep better. That only lasted a few days before the "what ifs" sprang into action.
What if she goes sooner than I thought and we don't have the time together that I wanted?
What is she stays healthy and strong, beating the odds, but I'm too scared to leave her again, go back to my own life and all of a sudden I'm in my late thirties -- partnerless, childless, jobless?

I feel so guilty even putting any of this out in the universe. This was not the path that I thought I was going to take. This was not the path that I thought my family was going to take.
And now that I'm faced with it, I'm not sure what IS the right path.

All I know is I feel lost on any of the paths, and that I've lost it all.
And may not be able to bring any of it back to the way it was.