But what then?

I feel like I'm losing everything.

In the past year, I've lost my job. My career. My ambition. My drive. My desire to pursue my dreams. My "best" friend (of course I have gained and strengthened so many others at the same time).
In the last 6 months, I've lost my feeling of security. My love of my career. My optimism.

And just thinking about going to be with my mom for an extended period of time brings me peace... and makes me feel like I'm losing myself. Like I'm giving up my life. My friends. My dreams. My possibilities. My apartment.
And all just to lose my mom in the end.

*side note: when originally typing the above thought, "lose" was originally typed "love". I can't make that up.

I need to be with her so desperately. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm miserable all day until I talk to her.
But at the same time, I'm terrified to give up this life I have carved for myself. What happens when I quit my job? What about money and making a living? What about my apartment? What about my insurance?

Even though my current job causes me so much more stress than I've ever had in a job -- just the thought of giving it up for nothing else, is terrifying. It's not something I've ever considered even on the radar of being able to do before. But now it just seems like every wasted miserable second that I spend in that office, I could be spending with my mom. Enjoying her time, talking with her, and being together.

But what then?

When it's all over -- 3 months from now, 6 months from now, 12 months from now -- what then?
Do I pick myself up and come back to NY? How? With what job? Can I? Will I even be able to go on?
Honestly, right now, I can't imagine anything past December. Or what I'm going to do after that. Hell, I can barely even think about December.
I can't imagine packing up my mom's things, dividing them among myself and my brother, putting the best parts back in a suitcase and come back to NY with no job, no prospects, nothing but the couches of my friends, and hopefully some money in the bank to send out some resumes.

I keep telling myself to just "trust and let go".

But much easier said than done for this Capricorn.

I thought that making the decision to go back and be with my mom would make my heart lighter, easier, make me sleep better. That only lasted a few days before the "what ifs" sprang into action.
What if she goes sooner than I thought and we don't have the time together that I wanted?
What is she stays healthy and strong, beating the odds, but I'm too scared to leave her again, go back to my own life and all of a sudden I'm in my late thirties -- partnerless, childless, jobless?

I feel so guilty even putting any of this out in the universe. This was not the path that I thought I was going to take. This was not the path that I thought my family was going to take.
And now that I'm faced with it, I'm not sure what IS the right path.

All I know is I feel lost on any of the paths, and that I've lost it all.
And may not be able to bring any of it back to the way it was.

New Day, New Week, New Month

Things have really been a whirlwind recently. And I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's just getting harder and harder.

My mom is feeling pretty good -- her chemo is working, and she's gotten to the point where she goes every other week, so she at least gets a week off to enjoy her time and not be laid up in bed or in the hospital.

2 weeks ago - I caught a pretty nasty cold. One of those summer colds that comes and attacks for no real reason at all, but totally kicks your ass. I tried to work my way through it; kept my schedules with friends, pushed myself at work, stayed up too late and just generally wasn't listening to my body when it kept telling me to slow down.
Until... I couldn't ignore it anymore. I took at half day at work, and then came back home and slept for the rest of the day. I kept it low key the rest of the week, and was quickly on the mend.

The thing was, while I was laying in bed - sinuses full and head pounding -- my mom felt great. She weeded her garden. She relaxed outside. She went to to the grocery store. And was just generally in really high spirits. And the only reason I was sick was because I had let my stress get the best of me. And while there wasn't much I can do about the stress of my mom being sick, there was all this unnecessary stress of my job. A job that I didn't necessarily like, that I didn't think was going to further my career, that I was literally only in for the paycheck (and the paycheck that was significantly less than what I was making in the job that I actually DID love).

And I started thinking, "What the hell am I doing? I'm destroying my body being stressed out by something that is 1000% within my control. That I didn't have to put up with I didn't want. That SHOULDN'T be harmful to my health." Didn't I deserve more than that?
Of course I did.

And it was that moment that I knew I needed to change something. That I need to do what was best for me: mentally and physically.
And that was going to have to be taking care of myself mentally and spending all of the time that I could with my mom, because that was what was going to make me the happiest at this point. And be something that I won't look back and regret.

So after much internal discussion (as well as entire night last night of not sleeping because it was all I could think of), I finally took the steps to make this plan a reality.
First step: take care of all of my insurance stuff that I needed to, if I was going to be leaving this job and lose my insurance.
Second step: reach out to a friend in NC that is in the fashion industry, and start a discussion about freelance or part time work -- so I (and my mom) at least feel like I'm not at a complete standstill, career-wise.
Third step: Tell my mom my plan. This of course was harder than the rest of the steps.

At first, she was confused, and didn't really understand what I was saying. To be fair, I've made a HUGE effort to NOT tell her how much I hated work. So to unload everything all at once, was kind of a shock to her, I think. Maybe not a total shock, but once I really spelled it out, she agreed that I needed a break to reassess everything, and find out what I need to do next.

And what really solidified my decision: when she said the one the thing she regrets was not spending time with her mom when she was dying, and not being there to hold her hand as hard as it would have been. She didn't think she could leave her job because she was so close to retirement so she stuck it out, chose her job (that she didn't particularly like either), and gave up the time she had with her mom. Turns out, a month after her mom passed away, my mom lost her job anyways -- so it was all for nothing.

I definitely don't want to look back at this experience, at this time, and regret staying at this job that makes me miserable when I could have been sitting on my mom's porch with her, enjoying the time she has left.

So while this isn't finalized, or even set into motion, there was a little sense of just acknowledging that what I have isn't good for me, and I need to take better care of myself and do what is right for me, right now.

And the rest of it -- my apartment, my stuff in my apartment, a car once I get to NC, insurance -- it will all work itself out. And I can't keep that stuff from getting in the way of my happiness and getting all of the time I want with my mom.

New York will always be here.
My mom won't.
And right now, I just need to take this new week, new month -- and put a change into action.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I haven't intentionally taken some time away here.
Suddenly it's the middle of July, and I'm trying to take stake of how things this year are blowing by. It's been so quick, but so slow at the same time.

I wish I could say that I've been able to adjust to everything at work so far, but it would be 100% a lie. It's just not getting easier, and I don't know if it's because I have so much else on my mind that I'm not letting myself wrap my brain around projects or what. As soon as I feel like I have my feet solidly in a place that I know what's happening... it all crashes down.
It's all very unsettling because I've always been able to multi-task and get stuff done on time. Always. It was really what I prided myself on, and how I've built my career thus far. But now... I just can't seem to get a handle on how to operate at this company. It's totally disorganized. No one is in charge, except for when it's beneficial to them. I have very little support.

Today I came very close to throwing in the towel. I had just read a post my mom wrote on Facebook, where she references her "not having much time" and her "time being short", and I just couldn't function. I just kept thinking about how she has such little time, and she's sitting at home ALONE, while I'm up to my eyeballs in unsupportive and stressful work. It was hard to continue for the rest of the day and focus. I just didn't know what I was doing there, if I was doing the right thing by being in New York still, and not being with my mom. I've always told myself that I would know when I have to leave and be with her... but it's becoming less clear, and I'm starting to doubt if I'm doing the right thing. I've always been able to trust my gut, and it rarely fails me, but this is a whole other ball game that I'm not sure how to play.

I tried to hold it together, and I think I did. I did skip the gym, but it was mostly because I just needed to talk to my mom and hear her voice. And didn't want to have to wait another hour.

I've been especially bad at taking care of myself recently. I've just been going, going, going. And not wanting to be by myself -- so I've overbooked my nights. Dinners, drinks, movies -- you name it, I've done it the past few weeks. Even the days that I come back from my seeing my mom, I hop right on the train and head straight to the bar to meet my friends. So this weekend, I made no plans. I took back my time and did nothing -- but get sick. I had run myself so ragged that once I stopped, I STOPPED.

So now, I'm battling a cold, battling my job, battling my inner voice that says 'no more'.
I can only try to keep going tomorrow. And then the day after that. And after that. And then this weekend we are going to Lewes, which will hopefully be the R&R that I really really need.
And in the meantime, I'll have some tea and a few good cries, and hope that it works out better than I'm anticipating.

Just take a little off the top...

I'd say for the past 3 or 4 years (since I've turned 30), I've been overly self-conscious about my hair. Especially for the fact that I always think it's receding.
Call me crazy, but I've spent many an hour, leaning into a mirror closely examining the area where my bangs stop and my hair starts on both sides of my face. I was/am convinced that all that "baby hair" on the side is a new occurrence and is only a warning of the extra sunscreen that I will need to slather on in the future.
I'm pretty sure I will never complain or worry about that again after the last weekend I spent with my mom.

I went back to NC for a longish Mother's Day weekend -- I still don't have vacation or sick days from my new job, which makes traveling a little dicey, but eh whatever. I got in on Saturday morning, with my friend Shruthi picking me up from the airport. After a leisurely catch up lunch over Bojangles' biscuits, we made the hour long drive out to my mom's lake house.

"Just to warn you, my mom started losing her hair. I'm not sure how bad it is, but she was really freaking out on Tuesday night when she texted me" I warned Shruthi.
And warned myself too. I HAD freaked out when she texted me late on Tuesday, when I was watching the hockey game at my favorite bar.
"Don't worry!" I texted back, "I'll come up with a plan B!" I confidently assured her, although at the time I didn't really have any kind of idea of what I was going to do.

The next day, I had come up with a plan B, but wasn't 100% sure how it would go over. After work I went scouring midtown Manhattan for some crazy "church lady" hats. The day I was getting her to house was the Kentucky Derby, afterall, so what better way to cover up a traumatic sudden hair loss than with a funny hat? Once I was pretty confident about that plan, I thought "What the hell? If we're going to do that - let's go the extra step" and I made a quick stop at Party City to pick up some costume wigs as well. One was rainbow tinsel, and the other was a long, black light responsive green and pink wig. I honestly wasn't sure what he reaction was going to be, but thought it was worth the risk to make her laugh.

So when we pulled up to my mom's house - hats and wigs stashed in my duffle bag - I wasn't really prepared to see my mom with thinning hair. It wasn't completely gone, no. But it was so thin at the top, that is basically just scalp, with longer parts on the side and the back. I quickly shook it off, so she didn't see how shocking it was to me - why make it any worse for her to know it was shocking for me too?

We quickly caught up, and settled in, and once Shruthi left, I figured it was as good as ever to make the big reveal. My step-dad was out for the day, out of town for his own daughter's college graduation, so it was just the 2 of us.

"Well mom, as promised, I brought plan B with me!"
"Oh ok..." she tentatively replied.
I reach into my bag and grab just the hats. "Well since it's the Derby today, I brought some crazy hats for us to wear. Also, you could probably wear these later - they have SPF 50 in them so you can wear them out by the lake!" I tried to encourage. She got excited, and so while her excitement was peaked, I decided to try the 2nd part of plan B.

"...Well here's the REAL plan B. I figured since you didn't have a wig yet, this could hold you over until you got one. At least one of these, and you can switch them up if you want to!" and I grabbed both wigs out of my bag. She paused for a half-second, which was just enough time for me to question whether I did the right thing or not. But then she laughed and then cried - a good, happy cry - and then we put the wigs on (and trimmed them up a little since the tinsel one didn't have a front or back and there was way to see through it when you had it on).

What had become a shock to both her and I, because a party and a comfort and a fun time for both of us. I insisted that she keep the wig on until my brother and his girlfriend got there. I didn't think my brother knew my mom was losing her hair - and my intuition was right; she hadn't told him. So I didn't want him to show up, not knowing her only had half of her hair, and she would read his reaction on his face. So she kept the wig on, and as soon as they walked in, I brought him into the kitchen and told him WHY we were wearing crazy hats. He quickly took it in, and was good about it. We spent the day laughing, talking and watching the Derby. It was genuinely a great day, and (I think) really took her mind off all of the harsh realities she was dealing with.

The next day, Mother's Day, was a bit different. She was in a terrible mood that morning. She had even less hair, and my step-dad was being less than supportive. To his credit, he's been taking this whole thing worse than anyone, and says a lot of inappropriate things but I'm not sure he realizes how hurtful some of his comments are to my mom.

So she was in a pretty shitty mood.
"Ugh my hair just keeps getting worse, and we're going to have people over today, and we're going to have to take pictures and I look so sick and scary."
"Don't worry mom. If you want, I can cut your hair so it's shorter and less scary" I offered, having never cut more than 1/2" off my bangs ever.

So I grabbed some scissors, took her out to the back porch (thank god it was a beautiful day!), and with only a little apprehension, I lopped off the remaining longer pieces of my mom's hair, letting it fall to the desk and be swept away by the wind and away from her worrying eyes.

And truth be told, it wasn't the best hair that anyone's ever gotten, but it was good enough. And it did make the little bit of hair she had left look fuller. Most importantly, it was off the back of her neck, so she didn't have to worry about it or think about it. She went to check it out, liked it, and then we went into her office and bought a wig online.

We looked at a few kinds, narrowed it down depending on length, cut and color until we finally found a short pixie-ish cut that was close to her original color. And just having that solution, even if it wasn't physically there yet, was a huge weight off her back.

And every time I complain about a bad hair day, or my hair looking "crazy" - I think about that moment and what my mom's journey is about now, and quickly erase those thoughts. At least I can have a bad hair day. At least my hair can be crazy.

I also learned that I will literally do anything to make sure that this journey my mom is on goes as smoothly as possible, and the importance to add in some laughs when at all possible.

It's gonna be May

May 1st.
This has been an adventuresome day for me the past few years.
Last year, my best friends and I were in St. Barth's for the second year in a row, exploring the restaurants and land that we didn't get to see when we went over the 4th of July the year before.
The year before that, me and a good friend went to a non-eventful baseball game which became a very eventful night where we ended up consummating 7 years of friendship after many rounds of whiskey. That last part may have been TMI, but it was a pretty big deal -- and well, kind of continues to be, so no apologies on that one.

This year May 1st is falling around another mercury in retrograde, so not really sure what that will mean for today. Or the coming week for that matter.
I spent most of my day getting ready for the week and hanging around my apartment -- something that I haven't actually been able to do in the last 3 weeks.

I went to the grocery store, prepared my lunches for the week, cleaned and tidied my apartment. Just general life stuff to get everything in order, in case I end up going back to NC full-time sooner than expected.

My mom starts her 3rd chemo appointment tomorrow, and to say that I'm anxious about it, would be an understatement. After her 1st appointment, she had an allergic reaction that resulted in a rash, fever, and just general yuckiness. They ended up switching her meds in hopes that a new chemo would not produce the same side effects -- but no luck. The same rash, fever, and general grossness after her 2nd treatment made her depressed and upset. Depending on what the doctor decides tomorrow, they might not give her anything tomorrow.

Her whole "prognosis" that they gave her -- 6 months -- depended on how well she handled the chemo and how the tumors were affected by the chemo. My big fear is if she can't handle the chemo -- and they determine she can't handle another meds change -- that she will have less than 6 months. That we will have less than 6 months.

And while we keep finding out more information as this progresses, it's still a "wait and see game" which is driving me crazy. It must be driving her crazy too; I can't even imagine. I can say right now that I would rather know 100% how long she has. As bad as it will be to find out and accept it, it would be nice to be able to make plans. Mostly so SHE is able to make plans. I know there is stuff she wants to do and see on her bucket list, but I feel like if she is so sick from the chemo and doesn't have an actual time frame yet, then it's hard for her to wrap her mind around doing anything but laying in bed, and seeing everyone that is coming to visit her.

So hopefully after tomorrow's appointment, by the time I get there on Saturday for a long Mother's Day weekend, we will have some more answers or at least some more direction.

And in the meantime -- for the rest of this week -- I'm just going to keep myself busy.
And enjoy the first week of May.

This Stage of Life? Yep - It's Hard for EVERYONE.

Recently, a Facebook acquaintance from college posted a link to an article called "This Stage of Life? It's Hard".
And given the events of my last year -- losing my job of 10 years, 7 months of unemployment, finding a new roommate, and my mom getting diagnosed with cancer -- I tended to agree with the headline, so I caved and clicked.
And instead of giving me the comfort of connecting with a stranger through their blog post, it really just pissed me off.

You see, the blog was aimed at mom's in their early to mid 30's. Which I probably could have figured out just by knowing the person that posted the link, but for some reason it escaped it at the moment.
And while I read it, I found myself getting more offended.

Don't get me wrong. I may be 34, single, no kids -- but I in NO way look down or discount mothers or the incredibly difficult job of being a mom. It is something that I really can't relate to, but can definitely understand how frustrating, infuriating, and exhausting that job can be.

But let's not discount how hard this stage of life is for people that don't have kids.

I'm pretty sure that the early to mid 30's is hard for ALL people. Married, single, kids, no kids, men, women, and everyone in between.
It's sort of when you really start to figure out that no one has their shit together. The idea of "adulthood" is a myth. None of really know what we're doing, or how to handle any of it, or what is to come next.

So here is my condensed "This Stage of Life?" interpretation for all of us 30-somethings that really are (still) just faking it til we are making it.

This stage of life? It's hard you guys.
I'm talking to all of you that fall in the early to mid 30 year old range. You have friends. You have family. You have commitments.
You are constantly dealing with mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with fending for yourself and your family. Not that you couldn't before, or you didn't before -- but now everything really rests on you. Those doctors appointments that you "forgot" to book in your 20s? Not an option to skip those anymore. Eating out every night? You're finally realizing it's not best plan financially or health-wise.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career you don't feel confident in -- aren't you suppose to feel like a success now? Guilt over not spending enough time with your family. Guilt over not seeing or calling your friends as much as think you should. Guilt over not putting enough money into your savings or retirement fund because what you REALLY want right now are those new St. Laurent shoes (oh wait, that might actually just be me).

In this stage of life, you are overwhelmed with a whole bunch of life decisions. Some of them life-changing, some not. None of them with clear cut answers. Do I go out with my girlfriend tonight because she is having boyfriend problems? Do I stay home because I have that big meeting tomorrow at work that I just *have* to nail this time? Do I bite the bullet and move into an apartment by myself? Or should I stay with a roommate because even though I'm 34 and have a roommate, at least I'm saving *some* money? Do I stay with the guy that is good enough/nice enough/smart enough, or do I bite the bullet and be single and alone again? You don't know the answers to ANYTHING, but you feel the pressure to figure out EVERYTHING.

This stage of life is about watching your friends life stages... and struggles too. Marriages, infidelities, divorces, 2nd marriages. Babies, miscarriages, infertility. Sickness, loss, death of close friends and parents. It's the stage where you (hopefully) are able to focus on your real close group of friends -- but that too takes time and effort and energy to make sure those relationships stay healthy.

In this stage of life, you are still struggling with your sense of self. Who am I? Wasn't I suppose to know what I wanted when I was 30 -- in my job, in my relationships, within myself?
If you are married, you struggle to find the time and energy to focus and grow your relationship and partnership.
If you are single, you struggle with your own time and energy. Do you focus it on finding someone else and be in a relationship? Do you focus it back on yourself to make sure the relationship with yourself is healthy?

It's hard.
So what do you need to survive it all?
You need to ask for help.
You need to accept that help.
You need to offer help.
You need to nurture your relationships: with family, with friends, with significant others, with yourself.
You need older friends that can assure you that everything you are doing is normal and you aren't fucking it up.
You need to learn how to say "no". And not feel bad about it.
You need to find something that you absolutely love to do, and do it everyday -- even if it's only for 10 minutes.

But most importantly, you need to remember that this time in your life is still amazing.
And beautiful.
And unpredictable.
And that's okay.
Because no one knows what the fuck they are doing in this stage in life.
And knowing that you aren't in this stage of life alone, is what makes it a little less hard.

(Again, no hard feelings towards the original poster, and just in case you need to read the original inspiration, you can find it here)

The Day Things Changed

March 31, 2016 started off just like any other day.
I got up early, to head to my new job that I had literally started the week before. And while I was still unsure about it, and trying to get a handle of everything I was now in charge of, I was super grateful to be going -- it had been a very long 7 months of job hunting, interviewing and the like.

It was a pretty unremarkable Thursday, if we're being honest.
I was mentally preparing myself for not reading the news the next day, since I always fall for those dumb April's Fools "news" posts.
I had also forgotten to call my mom the night before to catch up about last weekend's Easter plans -- and how my brother's girlfriend had thrown a wrench in them. Leaving work that day, I sent my mom a quick text apologizing for not calling the day before, but I would call her tonight.
"Okay." was her only reply, which seemed a little strange but just figured I had caught her getting dinner ready or something and didn't have a lot of time to text back.

Since I was flying solo that night, I end up at my local watering hole to watch the hockey game. And in all honesty, I can't even remember who was playing. Not that it matters to the story anyways.
One of the bartenders that I sort of knew was working, so I was pretty much guaranteed decent service and never an empty glass.

I was texting back and forth with my dad about the score of the game for a while, and then a notification popped up on my phone that I had a voicemail from my mom -- even though my phone didn't ring.
So I called her back, and she didn't answer, so continued the game of phone tag, and left her a message.
About 10 mins later, she called back and I excused myself to the street to have a more personal(?), quiet(?) conversation.

"Hey mom! What's up?"
"Well, I kind of have some bad news to tell you."
I instantly got worried. She never started any conversations like that. Ever.
"Uh oh", I said. "What happened?"

The rest of the conversation is kind of a blur to be honest.
She was saying something about going to a doctor's appointment that I hadn't known about previously. Then something about how her doctor was thinking her gall bladder had been acting up, so they had scheduled an ultrasound. However, the truth was much, much worse.

Cancer.
Pancreatic cancer. That's already spread to her liver.

I could barely process what she was saying to me. I went completely numb. I started to cry in disbelief, shock and fear. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to say.
What can you say when your mom tells you she has cancer? And a particularly deadly, painful and horrible cancer.

I was in such shock, I calmly told her we would get through it and I'd call her tomorrow. Then I hung up and stood on 9th Avenue and cried, while people got on and off the M11 bus in front of me.

I tried to put myself together to go back into the bar, but it was too hard. And it was too obvious I had been crying. And I was all alone.

I sat down and tried to process what she said but just couldn't.
So I texted my friends -- asking them to call me. There was no immediate response, so I texted another friend who immediate replied "yes of course, everything ok?".

As soon as I heard his voice, I lost it and told him everything through sobs.
"Where are you? I'll be there in 20 minutes".
And he was. And brought another of my friends.

Then I get a call back from my first friend -- he was just down the street and would at the bar literally in 5 minutes. And he walked in with not just his husband, but my other 2 best friends too.

We all just hugged, and cried and they tried to process it as much as they could too.
And we drank. Til 2am.

While I was immediately thankful for such an amazing group of friends that literally dropped everything they were doing to come be with me, it took me a few days to realize that my world that I knew it had changed.

There was no going back to simpler times.
The person I was March 30th was not the person I was April 1st.
And I would never be that person again.
There is a whole new reality that I have to adjust to.

It's been almost a month since that March 31st night -- and I am still struggling to adjust to my new reality, my new future, my new me.
So hopefully being able to write here and get everything out will help me to adjust and understand what my new reality is now and what it will be.