But what then?

I feel like I'm losing everything.

In the past year, I've lost my job. My career. My ambition. My drive. My desire to pursue my dreams. My "best" friend (of course I have gained and strengthened so many others at the same time).
In the last 6 months, I've lost my feeling of security. My love of my career. My optimism.

And just thinking about going to be with my mom for an extended period of time brings me peace... and makes me feel like I'm losing myself. Like I'm giving up my life. My friends. My dreams. My possibilities. My apartment.
And all just to lose my mom in the end.

*side note: when originally typing the above thought, "lose" was originally typed "love". I can't make that up.

I need to be with her so desperately. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm miserable all day until I talk to her.
But at the same time, I'm terrified to give up this life I have carved for myself. What happens when I quit my job? What about money and making a living? What about my apartment? What about my insurance?

Even though my current job causes me so much more stress than I've ever had in a job -- just the thought of giving it up for nothing else, is terrifying. It's not something I've ever considered even on the radar of being able to do before. But now it just seems like every wasted miserable second that I spend in that office, I could be spending with my mom. Enjoying her time, talking with her, and being together.

But what then?

When it's all over -- 3 months from now, 6 months from now, 12 months from now -- what then?
Do I pick myself up and come back to NY? How? With what job? Can I? Will I even be able to go on?
Honestly, right now, I can't imagine anything past December. Or what I'm going to do after that. Hell, I can barely even think about December.
I can't imagine packing up my mom's things, dividing them among myself and my brother, putting the best parts back in a suitcase and come back to NY with no job, no prospects, nothing but the couches of my friends, and hopefully some money in the bank to send out some resumes.

I keep telling myself to just "trust and let go".

But much easier said than done for this Capricorn.

I thought that making the decision to go back and be with my mom would make my heart lighter, easier, make me sleep better. That only lasted a few days before the "what ifs" sprang into action.
What if she goes sooner than I thought and we don't have the time together that I wanted?
What is she stays healthy and strong, beating the odds, but I'm too scared to leave her again, go back to my own life and all of a sudden I'm in my late thirties -- partnerless, childless, jobless?

I feel so guilty even putting any of this out in the universe. This was not the path that I thought I was going to take. This was not the path that I thought my family was going to take.
And now that I'm faced with it, I'm not sure what IS the right path.

All I know is I feel lost on any of the paths, and that I've lost it all.
And may not be able to bring any of it back to the way it was.

New Day, New Week, New Month

Things have really been a whirlwind recently. And I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's just getting harder and harder.

My mom is feeling pretty good -- her chemo is working, and she's gotten to the point where she goes every other week, so she at least gets a week off to enjoy her time and not be laid up in bed or in the hospital.

2 weeks ago - I caught a pretty nasty cold. One of those summer colds that comes and attacks for no real reason at all, but totally kicks your ass. I tried to work my way through it; kept my schedules with friends, pushed myself at work, stayed up too late and just generally wasn't listening to my body when it kept telling me to slow down.
Until... I couldn't ignore it anymore. I took at half day at work, and then came back home and slept for the rest of the day. I kept it low key the rest of the week, and was quickly on the mend.

The thing was, while I was laying in bed - sinuses full and head pounding -- my mom felt great. She weeded her garden. She relaxed outside. She went to to the grocery store. And was just generally in really high spirits. And the only reason I was sick was because I had let my stress get the best of me. And while there wasn't much I can do about the stress of my mom being sick, there was all this unnecessary stress of my job. A job that I didn't necessarily like, that I didn't think was going to further my career, that I was literally only in for the paycheck (and the paycheck that was significantly less than what I was making in the job that I actually DID love).

And I started thinking, "What the hell am I doing? I'm destroying my body being stressed out by something that is 1000% within my control. That I didn't have to put up with I didn't want. That SHOULDN'T be harmful to my health." Didn't I deserve more than that?
Of course I did.

And it was that moment that I knew I needed to change something. That I need to do what was best for me: mentally and physically.
And that was going to have to be taking care of myself mentally and spending all of the time that I could with my mom, because that was what was going to make me the happiest at this point. And be something that I won't look back and regret.

So after much internal discussion (as well as entire night last night of not sleeping because it was all I could think of), I finally took the steps to make this plan a reality.
First step: take care of all of my insurance stuff that I needed to, if I was going to be leaving this job and lose my insurance.
Second step: reach out to a friend in NC that is in the fashion industry, and start a discussion about freelance or part time work -- so I (and my mom) at least feel like I'm not at a complete standstill, career-wise.
Third step: Tell my mom my plan. This of course was harder than the rest of the steps.

At first, she was confused, and didn't really understand what I was saying. To be fair, I've made a HUGE effort to NOT tell her how much I hated work. So to unload everything all at once, was kind of a shock to her, I think. Maybe not a total shock, but once I really spelled it out, she agreed that I needed a break to reassess everything, and find out what I need to do next.

And what really solidified my decision: when she said the one the thing she regrets was not spending time with her mom when she was dying, and not being there to hold her hand as hard as it would have been. She didn't think she could leave her job because she was so close to retirement so she stuck it out, chose her job (that she didn't particularly like either), and gave up the time she had with her mom. Turns out, a month after her mom passed away, my mom lost her job anyways -- so it was all for nothing.

I definitely don't want to look back at this experience, at this time, and regret staying at this job that makes me miserable when I could have been sitting on my mom's porch with her, enjoying the time she has left.

So while this isn't finalized, or even set into motion, there was a little sense of just acknowledging that what I have isn't good for me, and I need to take better care of myself and do what is right for me, right now.

And the rest of it -- my apartment, my stuff in my apartment, a car once I get to NC, insurance -- it will all work itself out. And I can't keep that stuff from getting in the way of my happiness and getting all of the time I want with my mom.

New York will always be here.
My mom won't.
And right now, I just need to take this new week, new month -- and put a change into action.