Just take a little off the top...

I'd say for the past 3 or 4 years (since I've turned 30), I've been overly self-conscious about my hair. Especially for the fact that I always think it's receding.
Call me crazy, but I've spent many an hour, leaning into a mirror closely examining the area where my bangs stop and my hair starts on both sides of my face. I was/am convinced that all that "baby hair" on the side is a new occurrence and is only a warning of the extra sunscreen that I will need to slather on in the future.
I'm pretty sure I will never complain or worry about that again after the last weekend I spent with my mom.

I went back to NC for a longish Mother's Day weekend -- I still don't have vacation or sick days from my new job, which makes traveling a little dicey, but eh whatever. I got in on Saturday morning, with my friend Shruthi picking me up from the airport. After a leisurely catch up lunch over Bojangles' biscuits, we made the hour long drive out to my mom's lake house.

"Just to warn you, my mom started losing her hair. I'm not sure how bad it is, but she was really freaking out on Tuesday night when she texted me" I warned Shruthi.
And warned myself too. I HAD freaked out when she texted me late on Tuesday, when I was watching the hockey game at my favorite bar.
"Don't worry!" I texted back, "I'll come up with a plan B!" I confidently assured her, although at the time I didn't really have any kind of idea of what I was going to do.

The next day, I had come up with a plan B, but wasn't 100% sure how it would go over. After work I went scouring midtown Manhattan for some crazy "church lady" hats. The day I was getting her to house was the Kentucky Derby, afterall, so what better way to cover up a traumatic sudden hair loss than with a funny hat? Once I was pretty confident about that plan, I thought "What the hell? If we're going to do that - let's go the extra step" and I made a quick stop at Party City to pick up some costume wigs as well. One was rainbow tinsel, and the other was a long, black light responsive green and pink wig. I honestly wasn't sure what he reaction was going to be, but thought it was worth the risk to make her laugh.

So when we pulled up to my mom's house - hats and wigs stashed in my duffle bag - I wasn't really prepared to see my mom with thinning hair. It wasn't completely gone, no. But it was so thin at the top, that is basically just scalp, with longer parts on the side and the back. I quickly shook it off, so she didn't see how shocking it was to me - why make it any worse for her to know it was shocking for me too?

We quickly caught up, and settled in, and once Shruthi left, I figured it was as good as ever to make the big reveal. My step-dad was out for the day, out of town for his own daughter's college graduation, so it was just the 2 of us.

"Well mom, as promised, I brought plan B with me!"
"Oh ok..." she tentatively replied.
I reach into my bag and grab just the hats. "Well since it's the Derby today, I brought some crazy hats for us to wear. Also, you could probably wear these later - they have SPF 50 in them so you can wear them out by the lake!" I tried to encourage. She got excited, and so while her excitement was peaked, I decided to try the 2nd part of plan B.

"...Well here's the REAL plan B. I figured since you didn't have a wig yet, this could hold you over until you got one. At least one of these, and you can switch them up if you want to!" and I grabbed both wigs out of my bag. She paused for a half-second, which was just enough time for me to question whether I did the right thing or not. But then she laughed and then cried - a good, happy cry - and then we put the wigs on (and trimmed them up a little since the tinsel one didn't have a front or back and there was way to see through it when you had it on).

What had become a shock to both her and I, because a party and a comfort and a fun time for both of us. I insisted that she keep the wig on until my brother and his girlfriend got there. I didn't think my brother knew my mom was losing her hair - and my intuition was right; she hadn't told him. So I didn't want him to show up, not knowing her only had half of her hair, and she would read his reaction on his face. So she kept the wig on, and as soon as they walked in, I brought him into the kitchen and told him WHY we were wearing crazy hats. He quickly took it in, and was good about it. We spent the day laughing, talking and watching the Derby. It was genuinely a great day, and (I think) really took her mind off all of the harsh realities she was dealing with.

The next day, Mother's Day, was a bit different. She was in a terrible mood that morning. She had even less hair, and my step-dad was being less than supportive. To his credit, he's been taking this whole thing worse than anyone, and says a lot of inappropriate things but I'm not sure he realizes how hurtful some of his comments are to my mom.

So she was in a pretty shitty mood.
"Ugh my hair just keeps getting worse, and we're going to have people over today, and we're going to have to take pictures and I look so sick and scary."
"Don't worry mom. If you want, I can cut your hair so it's shorter and less scary" I offered, having never cut more than 1/2" off my bangs ever.

So I grabbed some scissors, took her out to the back porch (thank god it was a beautiful day!), and with only a little apprehension, I lopped off the remaining longer pieces of my mom's hair, letting it fall to the desk and be swept away by the wind and away from her worrying eyes.

And truth be told, it wasn't the best hair that anyone's ever gotten, but it was good enough. And it did make the little bit of hair she had left look fuller. Most importantly, it was off the back of her neck, so she didn't have to worry about it or think about it. She went to check it out, liked it, and then we went into her office and bought a wig online.

We looked at a few kinds, narrowed it down depending on length, cut and color until we finally found a short pixie-ish cut that was close to her original color. And just having that solution, even if it wasn't physically there yet, was a huge weight off her back.

And every time I complain about a bad hair day, or my hair looking "crazy" - I think about that moment and what my mom's journey is about now, and quickly erase those thoughts. At least I can have a bad hair day. At least my hair can be crazy.

I also learned that I will literally do anything to make sure that this journey my mom is on goes as smoothly as possible, and the importance to add in some laughs when at all possible.

It's gonna be May

May 1st.
This has been an adventuresome day for me the past few years.
Last year, my best friends and I were in St. Barth's for the second year in a row, exploring the restaurants and land that we didn't get to see when we went over the 4th of July the year before.
The year before that, me and a good friend went to a non-eventful baseball game which became a very eventful night where we ended up consummating 7 years of friendship after many rounds of whiskey. That last part may have been TMI, but it was a pretty big deal -- and well, kind of continues to be, so no apologies on that one.

This year May 1st is falling around another mercury in retrograde, so not really sure what that will mean for today. Or the coming week for that matter.
I spent most of my day getting ready for the week and hanging around my apartment -- something that I haven't actually been able to do in the last 3 weeks.

I went to the grocery store, prepared my lunches for the week, cleaned and tidied my apartment. Just general life stuff to get everything in order, in case I end up going back to NC full-time sooner than expected.

My mom starts her 3rd chemo appointment tomorrow, and to say that I'm anxious about it, would be an understatement. After her 1st appointment, she had an allergic reaction that resulted in a rash, fever, and just general yuckiness. They ended up switching her meds in hopes that a new chemo would not produce the same side effects -- but no luck. The same rash, fever, and general grossness after her 2nd treatment made her depressed and upset. Depending on what the doctor decides tomorrow, they might not give her anything tomorrow.

Her whole "prognosis" that they gave her -- 6 months -- depended on how well she handled the chemo and how the tumors were affected by the chemo. My big fear is if she can't handle the chemo -- and they determine she can't handle another meds change -- that she will have less than 6 months. That we will have less than 6 months.

And while we keep finding out more information as this progresses, it's still a "wait and see game" which is driving me crazy. It must be driving her crazy too; I can't even imagine. I can say right now that I would rather know 100% how long she has. As bad as it will be to find out and accept it, it would be nice to be able to make plans. Mostly so SHE is able to make plans. I know there is stuff she wants to do and see on her bucket list, but I feel like if she is so sick from the chemo and doesn't have an actual time frame yet, then it's hard for her to wrap her mind around doing anything but laying in bed, and seeing everyone that is coming to visit her.

So hopefully after tomorrow's appointment, by the time I get there on Saturday for a long Mother's Day weekend, we will have some more answers or at least some more direction.

And in the meantime -- for the rest of this week -- I'm just going to keep myself busy.
And enjoy the first week of May.