This Stage of Life? Yep - It's Hard for EVERYONE.

Recently, a Facebook acquaintance from college posted a link to an article called "This Stage of Life? It's Hard".
And given the events of my last year -- losing my job of 10 years, 7 months of unemployment, finding a new roommate, and my mom getting diagnosed with cancer -- I tended to agree with the headline, so I caved and clicked.
And instead of giving me the comfort of connecting with a stranger through their blog post, it really just pissed me off.

You see, the blog was aimed at mom's in their early to mid 30's. Which I probably could have figured out just by knowing the person that posted the link, but for some reason it escaped it at the moment.
And while I read it, I found myself getting more offended.

Don't get me wrong. I may be 34, single, no kids -- but I in NO way look down or discount mothers or the incredibly difficult job of being a mom. It is something that I really can't relate to, but can definitely understand how frustrating, infuriating, and exhausting that job can be.

But let's not discount how hard this stage of life is for people that don't have kids.

I'm pretty sure that the early to mid 30's is hard for ALL people. Married, single, kids, no kids, men, women, and everyone in between.
It's sort of when you really start to figure out that no one has their shit together. The idea of "adulthood" is a myth. None of really know what we're doing, or how to handle any of it, or what is to come next.

So here is my condensed "This Stage of Life?" interpretation for all of us 30-somethings that really are (still) just faking it til we are making it.

This stage of life? It's hard you guys.
I'm talking to all of you that fall in the early to mid 30 year old range. You have friends. You have family. You have commitments.
You are constantly dealing with mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with fending for yourself and your family. Not that you couldn't before, or you didn't before -- but now everything really rests on you. Those doctors appointments that you "forgot" to book in your 20s? Not an option to skip those anymore. Eating out every night? You're finally realizing it's not best plan financially or health-wise.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career you don't feel confident in -- aren't you suppose to feel like a success now? Guilt over not spending enough time with your family. Guilt over not seeing or calling your friends as much as think you should. Guilt over not putting enough money into your savings or retirement fund because what you REALLY want right now are those new St. Laurent shoes (oh wait, that might actually just be me).

In this stage of life, you are overwhelmed with a whole bunch of life decisions. Some of them life-changing, some not. None of them with clear cut answers. Do I go out with my girlfriend tonight because she is having boyfriend problems? Do I stay home because I have that big meeting tomorrow at work that I just *have* to nail this time? Do I bite the bullet and move into an apartment by myself? Or should I stay with a roommate because even though I'm 34 and have a roommate, at least I'm saving *some* money? Do I stay with the guy that is good enough/nice enough/smart enough, or do I bite the bullet and be single and alone again? You don't know the answers to ANYTHING, but you feel the pressure to figure out EVERYTHING.

This stage of life is about watching your friends life stages... and struggles too. Marriages, infidelities, divorces, 2nd marriages. Babies, miscarriages, infertility. Sickness, loss, death of close friends and parents. It's the stage where you (hopefully) are able to focus on your real close group of friends -- but that too takes time and effort and energy to make sure those relationships stay healthy.

In this stage of life, you are still struggling with your sense of self. Who am I? Wasn't I suppose to know what I wanted when I was 30 -- in my job, in my relationships, within myself?
If you are married, you struggle to find the time and energy to focus and grow your relationship and partnership.
If you are single, you struggle with your own time and energy. Do you focus it on finding someone else and be in a relationship? Do you focus it back on yourself to make sure the relationship with yourself is healthy?

It's hard.
So what do you need to survive it all?
You need to ask for help.
You need to accept that help.
You need to offer help.
You need to nurture your relationships: with family, with friends, with significant others, with yourself.
You need older friends that can assure you that everything you are doing is normal and you aren't fucking it up.
You need to learn how to say "no". And not feel bad about it.
You need to find something that you absolutely love to do, and do it everyday -- even if it's only for 10 minutes.

But most importantly, you need to remember that this time in your life is still amazing.
And beautiful.
And unpredictable.
And that's okay.
Because no one knows what the fuck they are doing in this stage in life.
And knowing that you aren't in this stage of life alone, is what makes it a little less hard.

(Again, no hard feelings towards the original poster, and just in case you need to read the original inspiration, you can find it here)

The Day Things Changed

March 31, 2016 started off just like any other day.
I got up early, to head to my new job that I had literally started the week before. And while I was still unsure about it, and trying to get a handle of everything I was now in charge of, I was super grateful to be going -- it had been a very long 7 months of job hunting, interviewing and the like.

It was a pretty unremarkable Thursday, if we're being honest.
I was mentally preparing myself for not reading the news the next day, since I always fall for those dumb April's Fools "news" posts.
I had also forgotten to call my mom the night before to catch up about last weekend's Easter plans -- and how my brother's girlfriend had thrown a wrench in them. Leaving work that day, I sent my mom a quick text apologizing for not calling the day before, but I would call her tonight.
"Okay." was her only reply, which seemed a little strange but just figured I had caught her getting dinner ready or something and didn't have a lot of time to text back.

Since I was flying solo that night, I end up at my local watering hole to watch the hockey game. And in all honesty, I can't even remember who was playing. Not that it matters to the story anyways.
One of the bartenders that I sort of knew was working, so I was pretty much guaranteed decent service and never an empty glass.

I was texting back and forth with my dad about the score of the game for a while, and then a notification popped up on my phone that I had a voicemail from my mom -- even though my phone didn't ring.
So I called her back, and she didn't answer, so continued the game of phone tag, and left her a message.
About 10 mins later, she called back and I excused myself to the street to have a more personal(?), quiet(?) conversation.

"Hey mom! What's up?"
"Well, I kind of have some bad news to tell you."
I instantly got worried. She never started any conversations like that. Ever.
"Uh oh", I said. "What happened?"

The rest of the conversation is kind of a blur to be honest.
She was saying something about going to a doctor's appointment that I hadn't known about previously. Then something about how her doctor was thinking her gall bladder had been acting up, so they had scheduled an ultrasound. However, the truth was much, much worse.

Cancer.
Pancreatic cancer. That's already spread to her liver.

I could barely process what she was saying to me. I went completely numb. I started to cry in disbelief, shock and fear. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to say.
What can you say when your mom tells you she has cancer? And a particularly deadly, painful and horrible cancer.

I was in such shock, I calmly told her we would get through it and I'd call her tomorrow. Then I hung up and stood on 9th Avenue and cried, while people got on and off the M11 bus in front of me.

I tried to put myself together to go back into the bar, but it was too hard. And it was too obvious I had been crying. And I was all alone.

I sat down and tried to process what she said but just couldn't.
So I texted my friends -- asking them to call me. There was no immediate response, so I texted another friend who immediate replied "yes of course, everything ok?".

As soon as I heard his voice, I lost it and told him everything through sobs.
"Where are you? I'll be there in 20 minutes".
And he was. And brought another of my friends.

Then I get a call back from my first friend -- he was just down the street and would at the bar literally in 5 minutes. And he walked in with not just his husband, but my other 2 best friends too.

We all just hugged, and cried and they tried to process it as much as they could too.
And we drank. Til 2am.

While I was immediately thankful for such an amazing group of friends that literally dropped everything they were doing to come be with me, it took me a few days to realize that my world that I knew it had changed.

There was no going back to simpler times.
The person I was March 30th was not the person I was April 1st.
And I would never be that person again.
There is a whole new reality that I have to adjust to.

It's been almost a month since that March 31st night -- and I am still struggling to adjust to my new reality, my new future, my new me.
So hopefully being able to write here and get everything out will help me to adjust and understand what my new reality is now and what it will be.