I haven't intentionally taken some time away here.
Suddenly it's the middle of July, and I'm trying to take stake of how things this year are blowing by. It's been so quick, but so slow at the same time.
I wish I could say that I've been able to adjust to everything at work so far, but it would be 100% a lie. It's just not getting easier, and I don't know if it's because I have so much else on my mind that I'm not letting myself wrap my brain around projects or what. As soon as I feel like I have my feet solidly in a place that I know what's happening... it all crashes down.
It's all very unsettling because I've always been able to multi-task and get stuff done on time. Always. It was really what I prided myself on, and how I've built my career thus far. But now... I just can't seem to get a handle on how to operate at this company. It's totally disorganized. No one is in charge, except for when it's beneficial to them. I have very little support.
Today I came very close to throwing in the towel. I had just read a post my mom wrote on Facebook, where she references her "not having much time" and her "time being short", and I just couldn't function. I just kept thinking about how she has such little time, and she's sitting at home ALONE, while I'm up to my eyeballs in unsupportive and stressful work. It was hard to continue for the rest of the day and focus. I just didn't know what I was doing there, if I was doing the right thing by being in New York still, and not being with my mom. I've always told myself that I would know when I have to leave and be with her... but it's becoming less clear, and I'm starting to doubt if I'm doing the right thing. I've always been able to trust my gut, and it rarely fails me, but this is a whole other ball game that I'm not sure how to play.
I tried to hold it together, and I think I did. I did skip the gym, but it was mostly because I just needed to talk to my mom and hear her voice. And didn't want to have to wait another hour.
I've been especially bad at taking care of myself recently. I've just been going, going, going. And not wanting to be by myself -- so I've overbooked my nights. Dinners, drinks, movies -- you name it, I've done it the past few weeks. Even the days that I come back from my seeing my mom, I hop right on the train and head straight to the bar to meet my friends. So this weekend, I made no plans. I took back my time and did nothing -- but get sick. I had run myself so ragged that once I stopped, I STOPPED.
So now, I'm battling a cold, battling my job, battling my inner voice that says 'no more'.
I can only try to keep going tomorrow. And then the day after that. And after that. And then this weekend we are going to Lewes, which will hopefully be the R&R that I really really need.
And in the meantime, I'll have some tea and a few good cries, and hope that it works out better than I'm anticipating.
